By: Richard O. Rowland, Jr.
Recently I had the opportunity and privilege of dating a young lady whose brain had been washed by the Steve Harvey book, Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man. The premise behind this book is awesome. I am a firm believer that every woman should have an understanding of what men really think about love, relationships, intimacy, and commitment. With that said, I also believe that men deserve the same knowledge when it pertains to women. No one needs to be in a relationship looking like Boo Boo the Fool.
Aretha Franklin proclaimed, “Women should listen to Steve Harvey when it comes to what a good man is about.” Sadly this young woman was in agreement with the Queen of Soul and she studied the book like it was the gospel. To Harvey’s credit he had some very good points. I don’t think any brother would argue with Mr. Harvey on the idea that when a man approaches you he has a plan in mind. “And the main plan is to sleep with you, or to find out what it takes to sleep with you.” Not to mention men do respect standards. At the same time Steve Harvey has some ideas in his book that I can’t make myself agree with and the one most noting is his chapter on “The Ninety-Day Rule.”
What is my problem with the ninety-day rule? I take issue with this rule because I am not ready to agree that ninety days is enough time to fully believe that you know the man in question. Steve Harvey developed his rule by following the Ford Motor Company’s hiring practice as a template. Steve explained, “Ford’s policy was that you had to work at least ninety days before they’d cover your health insurance; this was the plant management saying to me, we will provide you benefits after you have proven to me you are worthy” (Ch. 11 148). I agree with Steve Harvey on this point. No one deserves any benefits until they have proven themselves worthy. What is the purpose of rushing into bed with a man that you don’t know from Adam? To do so would be to make a grave mistake that might help you end up in a grave before your time. Ladies I believe that it is important for a man to prove his worth to you. My mother always taught me that a woman deserves to be treated like a princess and when we take the relationship to the next level she deserves to be treated like a queen.
But guess what? If a woman deserves to be treated like a princess and then ultimately a queen doesn’t that mean a man deserves to be treated like a prince and then a king? While Mr. Harvey is correct in suggesting a woman take some time before she gives a man her benefits he forgets to tell her the man deserves the utmost respect as well. The young lady I was dating took Steve for his every word and she was expecting me to prove what kind of man I was. If she took my time to be like Ford Motor Company and do a background check she would have realized that my track record proved I was a good man. That is beside the point. Steve Harvey as well as all of the other employees of Ford Motor Company was willing to prove themselves to their employer because the company itself had already proven itself worthy. The beautiful woman that was in my life expected me to hop through hoops with no question because I was seeking out the “benefits” but she wasn’t willing to do the same in return. That is the beautiful thing about working for a company of Ford’s magnitude. It is public knowledge that Ford is a great company to work for and they shell out incredible benefits to their employees. If you and I just met how do I know you are worth my time? That is something the brother’s want to know. Women have to prove themselves just as much as the man. There is a lot of mess out her, men and women alike, so we can’t try this one sided nonsense. Ladies if you want a man to prove himself you got to prove yourself as well or we are going to be back at square one.
Steve explains “During the ninety-day period, you should be checking him out-does he come when he says he’s going to come; does he call when he’s going to be late; does he like and care about your friends and, if you have them, your children; does he express his joy at being in your presence? During this period of checking up on him you best believe if he is a smart man he is going to be checking up on you. Ladies this is not a one-sided affair. I have had my share of relationship probation periods and frankly they were all one-sided. Being the man that I used to be I was willing to ask “how high” when she said jump. I was willing to open up the door and do the whole princess treatment while I was receiving nothing except some of this woman’s time. Mr. Harvey seems to think a woman’s “time is a form of payment,” but so is mine. If I am going to put in some time and effort best believe I expect it in return. Pastor A.R. Benard of New York believes “Love seeks to satisfy others at the expense of self while lust seeks to satisfy self at the expense of others.” It is the continued cycle of seeking to satisfy the other which makes the relationship work. If she isn’t willing to seek to satisfy me why should I begin to waste my time?
Last but not least I have a problem with the ninety-day rule because I don’t believe that you truly get to know who this man is in ninety days. This young lady that I was dating was so avid about the ninety-day rule. The only problem I had with this is because this young man was trying to treat me like every other brother on the block, but see there was something she didn’t know about me. I am one of the leaders of the Singles Ministry at my church and we follow the words from Hebrews. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4 NIV). Now Mr. Harvey I am sure you weren’t trying to bring God into the equation but where does that say ninety days is enough? It doesn’t. It says all should honor marriage, and the marriage bed kept pure. Why does it say that? Think about it for a few moments. I realize at most companies there are probationary periods that new hires must follow. Just because this individual makes it through the probation period doesn’t mean that they are going to stay with the company for a lifetime. Just because he is patient enough to wait out the ninety days until you give him the “benefits” doesn’t mean he is a keeper. In a marriage I would like to think that both you and he have proven yourselves worthy to one another. If you aren’t married how can you trust him or her? Doesn’t that sound familiar?
People come and go at companies every day. Some of them stay for years, but they don’t intend on growing any roots. They are just putting up with this job till the day they can tell the job to “shove it” when they are off to their dream job. That is something I see people do in relationships too. People unfortunately buy time by spending their days with someone they don’t intend on loving. They just put up with this situation till their “dream” man or woman comes along and then they leave without even leaving a Dear John or Jane letter. Just like that man or woman at work who got their dream job and didn’t leave that two-week’s notice. That is why our Lord and Savior wants you to wait till you are deeply committed in a relationship before either of you give up the most intimate part of you. Most people think about the penis and the vagina, but we have to go deeper to the spiritual realm. Whoever we have sex with we become one with them. We become one in “body” as well as in “spirit.” Sometimes if you aren’t lucky you receive a gift that is delivered nine months later. Are you prepared to make a life long decision based off ninety days? I think not. Be honest; you both are still getting to know each other.
I like part of Steve’s analogy with the fact that we should view our relationships like a job at Ford Motor Company. A man should work hard to prove he is worthy enough to hold the job and to receive the cherished benefits but so should a woman. No one would like to get hired for a job and work hard each and every day while someone else received the benefits from this job. I am sure that point went over some of your heads so I am going to elaborate. Nobody wants to work hard for a job while someone else reaps the benefit. Okay I am sure some of you are still asking, “What is he talking about?”
Well let me make it plain. I have had the sad opportunity of meeting a beautiful young lady that I was willing to do whatever it took to reap the benefits and I am not talking about just sex. I wanted to make this young woman my queen. This woman made me hop through hoops and she had a brother working real hard to prove himself. The thing is I did prove myself. I did everything she asked and I even did more and guess what happened? While she was making me wait to reap the benefits she had someone on the side reaping my benefits. I have a problem with that. A lot of women are playing this same game today. I am sure I am not the only brother who has figured it out. I realize it is important for a woman to get the respect she deserves but it also is the same for a man. How are you respecting me by making me wait for something that you are giving away to someone else? As a man that hurt my dignity. For a while I was quite salty about females and I didn’t care about their benefits anymore so I used them for their benefits. I admit that was wrong of me, but can you blame me. It took me a while to learn that there is a time and place to reap the benefits. Before it can happen a woman must prove herself to me. Before it can happen I must prove myself to her. The fact of the matter is real men and women extend themselves for the woman or man they care about. It’s not just a man thing. It’s a woman thing. Love is not a one-sided situation. It is an “A” and “B” situation and if you can’t realize that, male or female, please “C” your way out. Skip the ninety-day rule and get with the program. I take your ninety-day rule Steve Harvey and I show you Hebrews 13:4.
6 comments:
Your commentary is both interesting and insightful. I believe your insight is Biblically on-point, and really give you credit for pointing out the flaw in making decisions based on worldly-driven perspectives. Personally, I am accepting applications for a career, not just a job, LOL. However, I disagree with 1 thing - where you discussed how she would have you jump through hoops to prove yourself during the 90 day probation, but she wasn't jumping through hoops for you. First, to me that sounds like "game playing" on both sides. I think people's true character can be observed through time spent together. As you develop feelings for someone, you would want to do things for the other person, spend time with them, and be courteous enough to call when you are going to be late. I don't think this should be one-sided nor like jumping through hoops, because that is just what you do when you care for someone (and aren't selfish). Obviously, this girl was just selfish, she wanted to take and not give in return, along with getting hers on the side. I don't think her selfishness is a reflection of Steve Harvey, but her poor interpretation due to her jaded views. However, I too agree that his view doesn't promote what God has in mind. Thanks for sharing.
Natasha it was not my intent to say that there should be “mutual game playing.” In my mind “Trix are for kids” and so are all the little games we all play for love. I don’t like playing games because it is my fear that the woman I get to know is not going to be herself. When you play games people respond by the games you play. I can’t judge an individual based on the knee jerk reactions that occur to my actions. Hopefully no one else believes that they can. What I meant by comment is about her responsibility to me. When it comes to meeting someone, getting to know them, or learning about them it requires both parties t put in work. When I read Steve Harvey’s explanation I was under the impression that all the work was up to the men. Not once did he tell the ladies that while the man is required to prove himself they are required to do the same. I have a problem with this because I have dealt with situations before. And the excuse I have received in return is “I don’t have to do anything for a man” because he is supposed to be the hunter. That is not a good situation. Good brothers are getting their hearts and feelings toyed with by Jezebels who are wearing virtuous women’s clothing. I am well aware of all the games that brothers play so we don’t have to go there. At this time in my life I am just so ready for a woman who has herself together and is ready to build a strong friendship that could become more as long as we build our love on the solid ROCK!! I hope this is clearer than before.
People need to stop attributing the characteristics of promiscuity or their lack of trustworthiness to one gender or another. It is a person's moral compass that guides their actions, not their gender
@Richard - I agree with you about how game playing hinders from people truly getting to know each other. Regarding your thoughts on men proving themselves to women, I think this is some of where men and women differ in the way we think. I think many ladies are taught that the man must work to get the woman. We are taught that we are the prize and he must put in effort for us to see that he is interested in us and deserving of what we have to offer. I am not saying that is right or wrong, each couple decides that based on their actions toward each other. I think communication is key - perhaps people should tell their love interest what their expectations are. Like I said before, when two people are meant to be, they will both work to make the other happy. I know you will find that love and build your strength together on the Rock! Just remember the devil wears sheep's clothing too, but God's infinite wisdom will reveal counterfeit intentions.
@AlexanderK - Say that!!
I am still trying to figure out why people are looking to get relationship advice from comedians. After we do so, we often wonder why there is a undeclared civil war between Black Men and Black Women relationship wise. It hurts that there is little investigation into asking a real relationship expert on such a topic or at the very least contacted a psychologist on this topic.
Here are few places for knowledge to further our conversation on relationships so we don't have to have jokers clowning the first institutions of society which is the family for profits and media ratings.
BlackandMarriedWithKids.com
whatblackmenthink.com
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